Yet another day of contractions goes absolutely nowhere. This morning I work up with mild contractions. I got up and started my day and they got stronger. So I went for a walk and they got stronger. And then they stopped. UGH. This afternoon I felt a gush and thought "was that my water?" so I laid down for an hour like the childbirth coach said to. When I got up I felt another little gush. So I went to L&D.
But no. My water has not broken. The nurse checked me and declared I was about 1.5 cm and 80%. Four days of contractions and all I have to show for it is a lousy 1/2 cm and 10% effacement. I want to murder someone. She said the baby is still pretty high too.
This is total misery. I have officially reached my limit. I sobbed the whole way home. Justin convinced me to go to Chili's for dinner and I sobbed all the way there. I cried some more in the bathroom before I could compose myself enough to join him at the table. Then the waitress asked me if I was ok and I burst into tears again. Then I proceeded to eat WAY too much. I contracted hard all the way thru dinner, resenting and cursing every one of them knowing that by the time I was home again they would have stopped. But still not being able to quell a small bubble of hope that they wouldn't. And now they have. And here I sit, defeated again!
I am ok with still being pregnant. I can handle waiting for the baby. What I cannot handle is all of this back and forth. All of the thinking I'm making progress, only to have the rug yanked out from under me.
Just leave me the FCUK alone until you are ready to come and stay for the duration of this pregnancy. I am so incredibly angry and depressed right now.
And please don't anyone comment (however well meaning you may be) that it's alright and she'll be here when she's ready. I KNOW THAT. I am tired of everyone telling me that. The waiting isn't what I can't handle. It's the waiting, PLUS having my hopes dashed over and over and over again. And on top of everything I have to go to work and now I have to work day shifts (which I fcuking DESPISE) because I can't leave them hanging never knowing if they might be short handed in the evening.
I can't do this anymore.
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1 comment:
I guess the only gem of hope when it comes to having a baby is that you KNOW at some point she HAS to come out. So there is definitely an end in sight... somewhere! (come quickly!)
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